While looking up the most popular names last week, the conversation made it’s way to suggesting baby names for a woman at work. Neither “Frank”, “Charlie” or “Walter” appealed to her, despite absolutely dominating the top 10 names list in the 1880’s.

She was also laughably not interested in my suggestions of “Darth”, “Pepsi”, “(Drawing a seven in the air and wolf whistling)”, nor my personal favorite: “ROCKIN’ STEVE AUSTIN”.

I know. Kick-ass name, right? How could she not go for it? My friends, the only logical thing that I can think of is that she was pretending that the name was a dumb idea to limit the possibility of anyone stealing such a kick-ass name before her kid is born. I mean, I can think of about seventy-eight reasons why ROCKIN’ STEVE AUSTIN is a great idea, and only maybe two against it. And the two against are so embarrassingly lame that they don’t even warrant a mention.

Think of the enhanced quality of school life that little ROCKIN’ STEVE AUSTIN would enjoy. No one would think twice if he wore a red sweatsuit every day, and he could probably even get away with wearing pants with THUMP written across the ass and yelling “OH YEA!” at random intervals for no reason at all. More importantly, if given two equal targets, a bully wouldn’t even think about punching a kid named “ROCKIN’ STEVE AUSTIN” in the face. Bullies aren’t usually the sharpest tools in the shed, and having a name like ROCKIN’ STEVE AUSTIN gives the impression that the kid might be bionic, but will definitely, at a minimum, smash the bully’s face into any available turnbuckle. There is also the chance that he may have dangerous foreign objects hidden in his boot. And that just ain’t worth $1.85 to the average bully.

That’s a measure of safety and comfort that little Jacob, Ethan, and Tyler will have to earn one beating at a time.

And even though I think the hospital gives you a free bionics coupon with every ROCKIN’ STEVE AUSTIN birth certificate, don’t worry about me stealing the name. I don’t have any kids on the way, and even if I did, they’re already to be named Phuc, Dong, Juggernaut, and Mr. SMASH! (complete with exclamation point). If they were girls, I’d obviously name them Porsche, Mercedes, Volva, and “Get Near My Vagina and My Dad Will Fucking Kill You”.

If you want to follow the crowd and search through some less powerful names, you can find them and their relative popularity at the social security administration website. (Don’t bother looking for an entry for ROCKIN’ STEVE AUSTIN, because in the FAQ it says that every time they add it, the ultimate awesomeness of the name corrupts the database.)

Na na na na na na na na na na.

Posted in Work